Hands Up If You’ve Heard This One Before!
28Jun. 09
Okay so I post about some pretty serious topics but I thought it would be fun to post some of the crazy stuff I have read in the Bible. This is the type of stuff that one would almost certainly have not read in church, unless an ‘enthusiastic about the communion wine’ priest clumsily flips the pages using drunken ignorance as a guide to pick his next scripture. Let’s start with the gross death of King Eg´lon of Moab! Eg’lon was a fat man and in Judges 3:15 God chooses an Israelite named E’hud, to deliver the Children of Israel from the yoke of King Eglon.
Judges 3:21 Then E´hud thrust in his left hand and took the sword off his right thigh and plunged it into his belly. 22 And the handle kept going in also after the blade so that the fat closed in over the blade, for he did not draw the sword out of his belly, and the fecal matter began to come out.
I’m sure the very brave fecal afficionado Jacqui Williams (made famous by the Pseudo-scientists Podcast) is not going to be grossed out by that but personally, ewww!
Now we turn to the Bible for some advice on impressing soon to be in-laws. Try this on for size! David wants to take Saul’s daughter Mi’chal in marriage and while Saul seems happy about this arrangement he devises an ‘ingenious’ plan stop David in his tracks.
1 Samuel 18:25 At that Saul said: “This is what YOU men will say to David, ‘The king has delight, not in marriage money, but in a hundred foreskins of the Phi•lis´tines, to avenge himself on the enemies of the king.’” But as for Saul, he had schemed to have David fall by the hand of the Phi•lis´tines.
But look what David did;
1 Samuel 18:27 So David rose and he and his men went and struck down among the Phi•lis´tines two hundred men, and David came bringing their foreskins and giving them in full number to the king.
Brought his best game with him that day! Take that Saul! You know it doesn’t say what Saul did with them, so I would like to suggest he played a cruel joke on visitors that night by serving up calamari… Too far?
Who likes fox nursery rhymes? I added this one to my list of favorites the other day.
Judges 15:4 And Samson went his way and proceeded to catch three hundred foxes and to take torches and turn tail to tail and put one torch between two tails, right in the middle. 5 With that he set fire to the torches and sent them out into the fields of standing grain of the Phi•lis´tines.
So I think it’s conclusive, Ezekiel wins the award for the world’s greatest youthamist;
Ezekiel 23:20 “She lusted after their paramours, whose flesh is like the flesh of donkeys and whose issue [semen] is like the issue [semen] of horses.
Anyone else have an issue with that? (See what I did there?)
June 28th, 2009 at 11:40 am
When you read this stuff you can’t help but think that if the Biblical elders were alive and kicking today, that they’d all be into hard drugs, snuff movies and financing genocide in third world countries.
Either that, or the Old Testament authors were thoroughly in favour of the wonder of God’s creation, preferably in a dried-up form which one could smoke…
June 28th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
All the above. I’d really like someone to tell me what the book of Ezekiel’s about. What’s all that stuff about the bombers with fire under their wings, dropping incendiaries?
I really liked Jehu as kid. He appears in I Kings 9. You can skip a bit, but it’s highly enlightening to read right through to where he gets the old chariot out and goes nuts in the name of God in II Kings 9 and 10.
June 28th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
This is my favourite version, courtesy lolcat bible:
1 Samuel 18:25 N saul say “tell him i like him if h brinks me mah bukkit. Or summat weeird lyk dat. Mebbe a lotta pen0rz skinz? dat funneh! he tink david die tryin. (26) so david say kthxbi n rly fast (27) he b lyk Chuk Norriz n killz a lotta ppl n bring teh Lion a hunned pen0rz skinz inna bukkit, wif a ribbon ty to it. saul say, not mah bukkit, but teh pen0rz skinz funneh, u has mah kitteh Michal.
June 29th, 2009 at 9:54 am
You know it doesn’t say what Saul did with them, so I would like to suggest he played a cruel joke on visitors that night by serving up calamari…
dude… nasty